The very thought of the genesis of this article brings some interesting memories to mind. Life in secondary school formed the crux of who i am today. I made some amazing relationships with people from all strata of society. Remarkable as well, was the fact that i developed a personal relationship with God when i was in JS 1. After that, i got heavily involved in fellowship and church activities. I was a full boarding house student, and functioned in several units in the school fellowship back then where i met several kinds of people, some of them were more carefree than others, who were a bit more rigid, some even got extreme. Just like expected in the fellowship, there was a lot of emphasis on putting our absolute trust and faith in God and not depend on our own understanding. Based on this teaching, there was a trend i noticed among the fellowship people in adherence to this teaching.

As far as academics was concerned, ardent fellowship brethren believed strongly that since they have the excellent mind and nature of God, it was impossible to fail. Some of them gave very little seriousness to their academics and performed way below their capabilities. I tried to balance things up, but it still affected me a bit as well. I came out with a good result, but i could have done better.

I went ahead to the University and discovered that it was slightly worse, because the average person had the freedom to do whatever he/she wanted to; no curfew by parents or guardians. So, people spent too much time in church/fellowship and even exceed necessary time there; some people functioned in several units and even boasted about it, quoting that when you get involved in God’s business, he will get involved in yours. Some eventually had an extra semester/session and that could have been avoided. This attitude carried on for a protracted period has made a number of Christians lazy…..mentally and in having no drive to work at something till it pulls through.

Many Christians are churned out of school and are totally unprepared for the market place. They’re out of touch with happenings in the corporate world as well as the business world, current affairs/politics, etc so they really have very little relevance in society. It’s worse when it’s guys that fall into this mould. It’s not funny when Christian guys have become mentally lazy and lack sufficient drive and will and staying power to ensure they succeed. That’s why some people see no need becoming christians; they are doing clearly better than most of them!

What i see missing is shifting responsibility to God instead of taking it. It’s very clear in the message translation of the bible which i’ve fallen in love with, that God expects man to take responsibility for everything he has created, but they, seeing God as sovereign and omnipotent, have believed that they need to make just a little effort and have maximum results. Guys, God is a hardworker. The earth we live in, and the quality of the entire creation confirms it; moreso, the quality of capacity he has put in mind to imagine a thing and make it happen. He is all powerful, but he has given man the opportunity to choose. He’s also a God of process; that’s why he created seed. The seed has the inbuilt capacity, in time, to become a forest with cultivation, weeding and nurturing. That’s the same way God expects us to function; to understand that there are no shortcuts or miracle breakthrough without a lot of hard work.

Many successful ladies, on discovering that their boyfriends are not taking their vocation/financial future opt out fast; and for ladies who feel their time is running out and so still go ahead with marriage, they eventually disrespect their husbands. I met an elderly woman who wanted to sell her almost 30year old business. She said anytime she had to travel out and left her husband to help manage the business, things always went down. He simply lacked the skills or discipline to make it work and she lamented that he was never interested in developing himself, i found it hard to ask her if he really does anything. Now, their children are in their twenties and she has worked all her life to keep the home up and doing. Now, she’s tired and wants to sell the business since all the children are out of school. I also noticed she doesn’t like talking about him….hmm

Ladies, please don’t marry a lazy guy; am not stating categorically that he must be rich. Money will however always flow in the direction of the person who offers value. Any guy who can’t be on his toes always will make you as a woman work so hard, and you’ll get tired with time.

Christian guys, don’t be lazy. Everything you need to succeed, you have. You simply need a lot of hardwork, not giving up, self belief, taking responsibility and leadership to be the man. Spend time to grow what you have. The supernatural is meant to give wings to the exceptional skills you have spent time and commitment to build. I once placed orders for some things from a business guy and he gave me a date for delivery. I had to call him twice for delivery. Up till now, he’s yet to deliver them. That was the second time that was going to happen. Afterwards, i heard someone say that he spends his weekdays in church prayer meetings; i wondered what he was looking for endlessly at prayer meetings when there was ready market for his products. Get your priorities right; God tells us clearly to mind our business; men will patronize us, not angels. I dare say even the church finds your presence more valuable when you’re financially independent and responsible

Have a workful and productive 2012!

Happy New Year! I’m sure many of you have written out your goals and have started working towards making them happen. I know some of us have “to get married by so so time” as one of such goals. Infact, some of the people with such goals have fixed dates “in faith” and don’t even have a partner yet!

Having said that, many people venture into marriage without being prepared. Don’t go into it simply because you have advanced in age or your friends are now daddies or mummies. Many people need clarity as to how to measure if indeed they’re ready for marriage. The major preparation towards marriage has to happen in the mind. When there’s understanding as to  what it entails, unrealistic expectations will fly out of the window and a person will act wisely.

Are you really ready for marriage? I’ll highlight clearly a few points that you can use to measure if you are ready for marriage or not. Be informed that the list is inexhaustible and we’ll look at more points in the course of the year:

1) If you believe strongly that you must always have the last say in an argument, you’re not ready for marriage.

2) If you don’t like anyone invading your space, you’re not ready.

3) If you’re a lady, and you don’t cook or don’t like to, your marriage is not likely to be easy or funny.

4) If you always say things exactly how they come to your mind not caring who is hurt, you’re headed for a rocky and ultimately likely to crash marriage.

5) If you believe that you’re who you are and no one can change that, you’re not ready.

6) If you think about others only when you’ve fully sorted yourself out, you’re not ready.

7) If you are so good at holding a grudge and you’ll only let go when you feel like, stay unmarried.

8 If you’re a man and you’re not engaged in ventures or a process in time that can financially take care of your immediate family and beyond, you need to give yourself a few more years to be ready.

9) If you believe that women at best should be good in bed and kitchen affairs only, you’ll end up having a bitter and subdued wife; stay away.

10) If your mind can’t conceive the thought of having a more successful wife, even if it’s temporary, then you have a little growing up to do. Welcome to the real world, stuff happens.

11) If as a man, you’re easily swayed and pressurized to do things against your wish, you’re not ready for marriage.

12) If you have no confidence in your capability and your future, you have no business taking someone else with you.

13) If as a man, you don’t have a mentor or leader you follow, listen or defer to, you’re not going to be able to lead your family.

14) If you can’t have a wedding ceremony within a budget you can personally afford, give yourself more time. Who says you can’t have 20 guests or less at your wedding? Cut your coat according to your cloth and take responsibility. As a man, you can define how small or large you want your wedding ceremony to be and be able to handle it.

15) If you have an anger problem such that you can destroy things when you’re angry, get a therapist to help you through managing it. Otherwise, engage God’s help for the change you seek. With anger issues, you’re disaster waiting to explode.

Are you really ready for marriage? Are you an old boy or a man? Are you an old girl or a lady? Are you matured? Are you emotionally stable?

Watch out for batch 2 of this article. Chew on these points and equip yourself with knowledge that will give you a healthy and balanced mindset as regards marriage. You want to get into marriage and not have to experience shocks

Have a great day and a great year!

The part two of the article that addresses inferiority complex in men has taken so long to come up. We’ll be taking a look at how it presents in a marriage relationship and how it can be handled, and possibly, resolved. Before then, let’s do a brief overview.

Inferiority is a feeling that is common to every individual. At some point in time, you may have felt inferior to a friend, a colleague, or even a sibling. While for you it may be a minor event that you may have overcome, there are some who develop a major inferiority complex. It is mainly a psychological condition that finds its roots in childhood and manifests itself into adulthood if not recognized at an earlier stage. Those who suffer from such a complex constantly belittle themselves, and are very sensitive. They could be so sensitive, that they may become paranoid, thinking that everyone is making fun of them, or thinks lowly of them.

People with an inferiority complex may be outspoken, to an extent that is rude. This stems from the constant desire to prove to themselves or others that they too, are capable of doing all those things that the other is doing. Take an example of a man whose wife is clearly more successful and more influential than he is. Some men, can’t handle it, they would always find reasons to say that their wives do not respect them and are constantly on the lookout for ways to assert their authority in the home.

For someone to overcome this deep-seated condition called an inferiority complex is no easy task. The roots of this problem lie in the past, in an event or a series of events and situations that have left a deep scar on the affected individual’s mind. This complex has then become a type of defense mechanism against all kinds of problems and situations. For such a person to even accept that he may be suffering from an inferiority complex is extremely painful and difficult. An inferiority complex cannot be overcome overnight. It takes a good amount of time, for a person to regain his/her lost self esteem and self image, and to be able to ultimately see the world in a different light. However, the process has to start some time, for which some of these steps may be taken:

1) Positive Thinking: As easy as it sounds, being positive is something as challenging as climbing Mt. Everest for someone who has an inferiority complex. Someone who is conditioned to thinking poorly about himself is going to find everything about ‘positive thinking’ like rubbish. If he believes that life is very unfair to him, he will not even allow the effects of positive thinking to show. However, like a dose of injection is given at regular intervals for someone who is unwell, so is a regular dose of positive thinking required for someone who has an inferiority complex. Reading good books on positive thinking, or just being with people who are positive, as a step towards self improvement on a daily basis, can slowly bring about a difference. Also, on your part, highlighting the positive in every situation is important. Don’t do it explicitly, but there should be an undercurrent of positivity flowing all the time.

2) Acceptance: Overcoming an inferiority complex begins with acceptance of the situation as it is, and of the individual as he is. This however, does not mean that once the complex has been identified it should continue. The acceptance marks the beginning of evolving and change, that will slowly help eliminate the problem. Acceptance also involves accepting, on part of the sufferer of this complex, that he is unique. This again, may take a while but will ultimately be set in the mind and bring about a positive change.

3) Avoidance: Avoidance includes avoiding all those people who evoke a feeling of inferiority in the individual. This doesn’t mean avoiding those who are perceived threats, but those who constantly aim to put the individual down, or just have a natural tendency to do so. This should be followed at least until he has regained some self confidence and feels capable enough of dealing with such people.

Nothing holds true, more than the ‘easier said than done’ saying when it comes to overcoming all these inferiority complex symptoms. This is why, this article has been written for those of you who know someone suffering from an inferiority complex. A person who is suffering from an inferiority complex herself may find it extremely difficult to accept and face these symptoms, and ways of overcoming them. On the other hand, you as a loved one can slowly bring about these changes in the individual, without stating the obvious.

Love and support are extremely essential when trying to overcome the inferiority complex, and once these measures are successfully implemented, there is no looking back. Once a woman has gotten married to a man with an inferiority complex, she needs to love and support him in creative ways to overcome it.

“The greater the feeling of inferiority that has been experienced, the more powerful is the urge to conquest and the more violent the emotional agitation”. Alfred Adler

Men, ever since they are boys are usually told by the people that surround them: fathers, mothers, uncles, etc that boys don’t cry, boys are meant to be tough, boys shouldn’t display any sign of emotion, boys are men and should always be in charge….all these and many more i have heard about. It sure goes without saying that not all of them turn out to be “tough” or “in charge”. What we turn out to be is as a result of the circumstances we have faced, environment and other factors over the years. Some guys while growing up were abused physically and emotionally possibly because they lagged behind academically or socially and so they grow up with an unhealthy self esteem; what some people call an inferiority complex.

An inferiority complex is a strong feeling that you are not as good, important, or intelligent as other people. Some other words to describe this sense of inferiority complex: Not confident or shy and easily embarrassed; shy, uncertain, retiring, insecure, timid, inhibited, tentative, lost, unsure of yourself, ill at ease.

Earlier today, i had a counselling session with a lady who is in a relationship with a guy who has an inferiority complex, she didn’t know what the root of the problem was, she just discovered that they were having issues repeatedly. That session inspired the writing of this article. When you hear of men who beat up their wives, who repeatedly tell them that they’re the head of the house, that they wear the pants, all these are expressions of an inferiority complex.

Please note that not only men have inferiority complex, infact, women have it more. Today is for the guys. There are a number of ways to know if you have an inferiority complex. I’ll list a few of the symptoms:

1) A person with a low self esteem is overly pessimistic and/or critical.

In order to protect their own feelings, a person with low self-esteem often takes out their inner feelings on others. They become extremely critical, especially of those closest to them. They are often pessimistic, and can rarely see the positive in any situation, let alone hope for the best.

2) Love to Hear Compliments

A person with an inferiority complex always want others to be complimented for even the smallest of the achievements like how you look, how you worked on that article, what you have or what great work you have done. He is usually so desperate to hear that even if you do not get any comments, you start pouring in questions in order to receive compliments (more like fishing for comments), such as “Do you think I did great?” or “Do I look good tonight?”

3) Blaming others

Any mistake or failure committed on this person’s part is simply put on various external factors, such as poor luck, bad company, the environment in general, and so on. If you are not able to accept your mistake and instead, you hold the universe responsible for it, you are definitely suffering from inferiority complex.

4) Lack of Sportsmanship

Competitions where such a person is required to test his abilities against the others are always kept at bay. If he/she loses competitions, he feels he’s not good enough to compete with anyone. Hence, he does not take any step towards achieving success. On rare occasions, when he takes that step, chances are that he discourages himself saying that he can never achieve it even in his wildest dreams.

5) Finding Faults

This is a mindset for people with an inferiority complex. Since he cannot keep himself happy, he cannot accept others feeling happy as well. As such, he is constantly finding ways to point out other’s imperfections and making them feel bad about themselves. This is known as crab mentality, where we pull others down as well. In case you are one of such people, know for sure that you can never feel confident and superior, unless you stop competing with others, in this case, your wife, or wife to be.

A guy with all these symptoms and more after a while of being married; if he seems to be losing ground and needs to assert his authority will move to wife battery….beating her to submission. If you’re a guy that finished from a Polytechnic or didn’t even have a tertiary education at all and you feel threatened by a lady who did, it’s either you step up or pick a lady that won’t be a threat to you. A healthy self esteem is about being comfortable with who you are and where you’re going.

I’ll stop this here. In the Part 2 of this article, i’ll write on how this inferiority complex causes issues in marriage and how it can be overcome or minimized. Till then, have an amazing time this season!

Marriage is every lady’s dream. It’s the icing on the cake, especially when a lady spent the earlier years of her life looking forward to the day when she will own her own home, be a content and fulfilled wife and woman. The thrill is usually higher when the man is relatively settled – has a good job, a nice ride and apartment; the lady feels secure and with absolutely no worries on her mind.

Shortly after the wedding, all seems to be working well. While the man is away to work, she’s home putting things in order, doing some household item shopping, trying out some recipes in her new cookery book to impress her man, reads some magazines, watches TV and generally “lazes” around the house….

After several months, she gets pregnant and the bouts of morning sickness and bed rest become her main preoccupation until several months down the line when the baby lands. Then, phase II begins – sleepless nights and days….Then baby 2 comes and the cycle resumes again. Then, the woman takes a look at her life in the past 4/5years and asks herself what she has achieved. When faced with the brutality of the truth (NOTHING), depression sets in.

Why did i have to ramble through the first 3 paragraphs? Because, it’s a typical case. I have overtime constantly met with a good number of married women who have gone through these cycles and currently feel weak, unempowered, have no drive and passion or goals for the future. They seem to have lost their say and their personality in the name of being married. They have spent a good number of years, conceiving and raising children, but economically, they’re handicapped. Their minds seem to have lost the creativity and spontaneity it used to have. They can’t even handle the financial demands of their personal upkeep. The husband who leaves the house before daybreak and comes back late into the night is working hard to take care of every need in the house, including toothpick and tissue paper! Am sure many women are quick to defend their men and say that he insisted that they should not work, even before they got married. I could be wrong, but i believe that many of those men who tell their wives not to work might have meant well, but that action shows a complex, a mindset that can’t stand being in competition with their wife, a move to assert their position as head of their home; and of course, the woman is the object of that assertion. She loses grip until she feels weak and totally irrelevant.

I believe there is no excuse women can give for where they are. We need to dust ourselves up and become relevant. It’s not only for money that women need to be engaged and empowered. I’ve met wives of rich men who are bored and feel totally irrelevant. They need to have their self esteem back and be sure that they have value to give.

Woman, do you honestly feel that your marriage is a cage? Are you mentally/emotionally fatigued? Do you need to approach your husband for money for everything? Does your husband feel there’s no need for you to work at all or do you think he sees any little success you have as a threat? When last did you read a book, or attend a training on self development? Are you excited about life? In as much as I am a strong advocate for time freedom, i need us to invest our time wisely and be empowered and productive.

I am young; but i’ve seen enough cases to know that every man that projects his wife is better for it on the long run. I believe that if a man cannot develop his wife to become a better person, then it will be difficult to develop a successful team within an organization. Marriage is not meant to be an expression of the “masculinity” of the man, but among other things, an opportunity for him to make his wife a better person. Can you have a conversation on anything with your wife without fear of talking above her head? Are you growing together? Carry your wife along. Push her from her comfort zone. How she turns out says a lot about you and your ability to lead your home. Two are better than one, if the relationship is mutually beneficial.

Today marks 7 years that I walked down the aisle with my best friend and the love of my life. I did not have a very healthy self esteem; but today, i can boldly say that this union has made me a better, empowered person, who is in turn, empowering others. Today, I am bolder, more daring and jovial. I have enjoyed other healthy relationships and mentoring from reading and meeting people as well. I have had to leave my comfort zone. I still have a lot of things to work on but I’m a better person by reason of this union. My husband helped me bring out the diamond in the rough. He pushed me when I needed to be, and showered me with affection when necessary. I am free because that atmosphere was created from the start. I look forward to celebrating decades of this union, with every year giving more expression to the gifts inside of me, with my mentor, coach and no 1 fan, nudging me on, telling me I can do it!

]]> http://www.topeakinyemi.com/the-marriage-cage/feed/ 12 http://www.topeakinyemi.com/ladies-if-only-you-knew/ http://www.topeakinyemi.com/ladies-if-only-you-knew/#comments Mon, 11 Oct 2010 11:31:04 +0000 Tope http://www.topeakinyemi.com/?p=515

Thanks all for the responses you gave on my last article about sheep and shepherds (pastors and church members). I’ll like to, in this short article, address the ladies and not limit it to them and the Pastors alone.

Babes and sisters, do you know why that Pastor, that choir master, head usher, protocol guy, fine christian guy is able to violate you? It’s because you’re ignorant and don’t know better about a number of things. Let’s take a look at 7 of the things you don’t know:

1) You’re ignorant about your true value or worth. You have not for once, taken time to love and value yourself, spirit, soul and body. Not loving yourself is sin (God says love your neighbour AS YOURSELF). If you truly love and value yourself, YOU WILL KEEP YOURSELF!

2) You don’t know your origin: You’re made in God’s image, after His likeness, and so you’re an extension of God on earth. You’re not common; don’t be generous with your body!

3) You’re ignorant about what God’s word says about you. Many ladies don’t read or study; they just go through the motions in church/life and don’t seek understanding about God’s expectations of us. Ladies, don’t wait to be led! Read, take responsibility, take leadership, be knowledgeable, it gives confidence!

4) You don’t understand the fear of God. The bible says it’s the beginning of wisdom. If you do, you’ll strive to obey God to your own hurt.

5) You don’t understand God’s love. He says you’re the apple of His eyes. We break God’s heart when we make a joke of the love he showed that made him GIVE UP his only son for us, this we exhibit when we live like mere men, and not like people who have been bought with a price, the blood of the sinless son of God……amazing love, oh what sacrifice!

6) You don’t understand the law of sowing and reaping: Gen 8:22 says that “As long as the earth REMAINS, seedtime and harvest…..will not cease”. There’s a consequence for every action. Sow purity; reap a bountiful harvest of goodies.

7) You believe that the ultimate Christian is a Pastor, and forget that Jesus is our perfect example who we need to pattern our lives after.

I look forward to a generation of ladies who have a healthy self esteem, who will not sell their birthright for a mess of pottage; who understand God’s deposit in them and are waiting to explode; ladies who men respect and admire; ladies with sterling qualities and values that will take the upcoming generation to a higher quality of life…..of wholeness, virtue and chastity.

Toast to a great life…..juice for y’all!

I find it very sad and disheartening, the rate at which i hear reported cases of Pastors who sleep with their female church members. It’s a scourge and a cancer that’s running so wild, i wonder how it became so bad so fast. I have heard of countless cases; let’s not check the gory details at all.

What cases should we address? Is it the Pastor that mounts the pulpit to preach immediately after having sex with a lady in his office, or the one that claims his penis is God’s instrument for delivering the barren? Is it the Pastor that doesn’t even limit his “acts” to one or a few, but many?

If i may ask, do you have a friend or you know someone, probably a friend’s friend, who has been, or is currently a victim of the acts of these “men of God” who “devour” the sheep kept in their care by God or “themselves”?

I have had a near experience with a Pastor in my school fellowship before. There was the annual convocation event in school that day, so everywhere was rowdy and busy. I had a couple of older friends who had their convocation on the same day; and my fellowship pastor had his on the same day as well so i didn’t see him that day. I passed by his room as i headed to a friend’s block, and decided to drop by and congratulate him. I met him alone in his room (he just got in, apparently) and i greeted him with a hug, and that was normal in our fellowship. He held on to me after, and before i knew it, he was already aroused. I freed myself quickly and headed for the door and out. He called me back and apologized for what he was about doing; and went on to explain that he had a weakness in the area of women and needed me to pray along with him. I never stepped into his room after then. That day was one of his last days in school; so i didn’t get to see him till he left finally. I got back to my room and wondered what had been going on between him and the ladies that were regularly around him….

I have zero tolerance for the act of taking advantage of young ladies who are already faced with the struggles of right living by the same people that should show the way. Many of the ladies who fall victim get to hear later that the pastor had already committed the same atrocities with a number of ladies in the church. Here are a few things i’ll advise the person who has been or is, a victim of such act to do:

1) Don’t keep quiet about it. Voice it out to someone you trust, especially an older person, immediately. The possibility that it will happen again is very high.

2) Leave the church! It’s surprising based on my research when i saw that many of those ladies still stay in the church for whatever reason that i don’t understand especially if the pastor founded the church. What exactly are you still doing there? Staying around poisons you even further; your perspective of right/wrong begins to shift and it doesn’t look like a big deal anymore.

3) Write an anonymous letter to someone you know mentors the pastor if you can’t tell him directly and follow up to ensure he calls him to order. This is for the sake of innocent female church members who have not yet been affected by the issue.

I have a few more things to say by way of advice. But i’ll want my readers to share their thoughts. What do you think? Do you think it’s sexual assault or a case of two consenting adults? I have tried hard to rid this article of emotions as much as possible and write with a clear head because i take this issue very personal. Let’s suggest what can be done; let’s salvage our future mothers from these “wolves in sheep clothing”.

Have a great weekend!

Hallos my people, i trust we had a good weekend. I got quite a number of responses about my last article especially from guys who thanked me for telling the ladies the bitter truth, some even quoted specific people in their offices, family, church, etc; so, just before the guys think they have it all together, today i’ll be descending on them!

Guys are a very interesting set of people. They’ve been taught to be tough, confident, almost always in control, logical and not emotional; and sure, they seem to pull it off when it comes to career, business, politics, soccer….but when it comes to matters pertaining to the female gender, you wonder at their thinking many times, as in, really wonder.

Despite the fact that men are so wired, we need to consider the fact that men come from different backgrounds and based on the peculiarity of each person’s background, they have certain things they believe they were deprived of or should’ve enjoyed more of, and the craving can be so much that they grab everything that has a semblance of it especially in the quest for a life partner. I’ll try and give a few examples.

I met a guy who is stuck in a marriage and finds it hard to get out. He suddenly discovers that he did not really love his wife. The first time he set eyes on her, she was in an evening gown and he was “waohed” and told himself he liked what he saw. Today, they’re married but he’s unhappy because he has seen that there were so many things he did not check for. He says he never loved her. We know that guys are moved by what they see, but can we call the same rational/logical faculties to action in such matters? There’s this scenario i’ve seen play out a number of times. Some guys, because while they growing up, never went clubbing or to parties, never drank and had female friends, tend to want to make a statement in their final choice. They want to go for a happening lady who’s been around, seen more and is more experienced in matters of life. It goes without saying that such guy is getting into a high maintenance relationship. He’ll just discover with time what he’s up against because he won’t be able to control her or manage her movements or demands. This guy has an inferiority complex and feels a strong need for societal acceptance.

I know a guy that considers having a relationship with every lady that gives him a lot of attention, either she tells him she likes his kind of person or compliments his strengths or skills. It’s not difficult to know that such a guy was starved of love while growing up. His past relationships have been purely based on the fact that the girls liked and respected him; he has never really had to chase after a lady, he simply went for the ones that liked him and showed it. There has to be a balance!

I met a guy who told me he had suffered too much in life for him to be that way for life. He was ready to do anything to marry a lady from a rich home. What he lacked, he looked for in a lady. Now, this is not absolutely wrong, but for reasons that are mundane and not value based, it’s not proper. A guy feels he’s not so good looking, and he goes for a model to make up for it. It sounds logical, but you need to listen to these guys verbalize what they want, you’ll understand that the motive is wrong and that’s their primary desire above others. And what’s the result of this? Because the guy is not choosing to marry the person he’s real with, things don’t go well.

It’s not wrong to fill what’s lacking or try and make up for what you think you need, but please, let it be a good mix of that and strong values that will affect our choice at the end of the day. There are women that are not your type, there are those that are your type. Go in the direction that flows naturally with you. Don’t go for a woman that will not put your heart at rest, and it doesn’t mean they’re bad, just too different from you. I’ve met a couple of young guys who saw some clear warning signals and still went ahead and eventually had to back out.

Having someone to bounce those thoughts and considerations off will help you as well. Get an older person that knows you and can advise you sincerely. In a multitude of counsel, there is safety. Have a great weekend!

A few weeks ago, i overheard a neighbor of mine talking with my hubby outside the house when he went to pick something from the car. Their discussion seemed to have lingered for so long that i wondered if he remembered that we were running late for service; after some time i had to go out dressed to say hi to the neighbor so my hubby could see he was the one delaying us; and sure, he got the message

We got talking afterwards and i wondered what kept the man’s voice up and made him talk so passionately and he said the guy said he had since stopped going to church because many “men of God” were living false lives. He said he had run into some of them with their secretaries or some lady in hotels and so on; he spoke about misappropriation of funds, the fact that some members were practicing idolatry because they accorded too much awe to their pastors who wielded/had too much control over them, etc. He therefore said he decided not to go to church anymore, but to always practice the principle of always being thankful to God.

Do you know what struck me most about what this man said? It’s not so much different from what many Christians say as well. Many people are critical. It’s not necessarily because they’re sinless/faultless, but because of the need to justify their inadequacies in the face of a worse person’s issues. Such a man had no business being critical/judgmental; what if the man of God he saw at the hotel came for a meeting in the hotel lobby and not what he thought? What if it was what he thought? What if those men of God were fake? Same for Christians; we need to look at Jesus’ approach to sinners, he addressed the sin but showed compassion. It’s tough, but it’s the life we’ve been called to live. We grow as Christians when we see ourselves as work in progress and correct people in love. Of course, there are times when you need to go the hard way on some. But our motivation should be love, not nosing around for people’s faults and criticizing them. Jesus showed us by example; these same things were the things the Pharisees, who knew the bible, did by default, criticize! And we all do it, in different measures.

I once heard about a Muslim guy who got saved and started attending a church only for him to one day, find the pastor of the church on top of his fiancée! That same day, he renounced Christ and went back to the mosque…hmm. That was a very sad story. Does it change God’s standards? He’ll need to have a chat with God about that when the time comes. Does the wrongdoing of the Christian leader license us to misbehave? We’ll stand one by one with God, and he’ll deal with us individually based on the level/degree of our walk with him vs what we made out of it as regards the quality of life we lived.

Can we be less critical on others and work on becoming better? Can we seize from giving excuses of other people’s issues as the reason why we’re not at our best? Are we qualified to throw the first stone? Are we qualified to judge?