Happy New Year! I’m sure many of you have written out your goals and have started working towards making them happen. I know some of us have “to get married by so so time” as one of such goals. Infact, some of the people with such goals have fixed dates “in faith” and don’t even have a partner yet!

Having said that, many people venture into marriage without being prepared. Don’t go into it simply because you have advanced in age or your friends are now daddies or mummies. Many people need clarity as to how to measure if indeed they’re ready for marriage. The major preparation towards marriage has to happen in the mind. When there’s understanding as to  what it entails, unrealistic expectations will fly out of the window and a person will act wisely.

Are you really ready for marriage? I’ll highlight clearly a few points that you can use to measure if you are ready for marriage or not. Be informed that the list is inexhaustible and we’ll look at more points in the course of the year:

1) If you believe strongly that you must always have the last say in an argument, you’re not ready for marriage.

2) If you don’t like anyone invading your space, you’re not ready.

3) If you’re a lady, and you don’t cook or don’t like to, your marriage is not likely to be easy or funny.

4) If you always say things exactly how they come to your mind not caring who is hurt, you’re headed for a rocky and ultimately likely to crash marriage.

5) If you believe that you’re who you are and no one can change that, you’re not ready.

6) If you think about others only when you’ve fully sorted yourself out, you’re not ready.

7) If you are so good at holding a grudge and you’ll only let go when you feel like, stay unmarried.

8 If you’re a man and you’re not engaged in ventures or a process in time that can financially take care of your immediate family and beyond, you need to give yourself a few more years to be ready.

9) If you believe that women at best should be good in bed and kitchen affairs only, you’ll end up having a bitter and subdued wife; stay away.

10) If your mind can’t conceive the thought of having a more successful wife, even if it’s temporary, then you have a little growing up to do. Welcome to the real world, stuff happens.

11) If as a man, you’re easily swayed and pressurized to do things against your wish, you’re not ready for marriage.

12) If you have no confidence in your capability and your future, you have no business taking someone else with you.

13) If as a man, you don’t have a mentor or leader you follow, listen or defer to, you’re not going to be able to lead your family.

14) If you can’t have a wedding ceremony within a budget you can personally afford, give yourself more time. Who says you can’t have 20 guests or less at your wedding? Cut your coat according to your cloth and take responsibility. As a man, you can define how small or large you want your wedding ceremony to be and be able to handle it.

15) If you have an anger problem such that you can destroy things when you’re angry, get a therapist to help you through managing it. Otherwise, engage God’s help for the change you seek. With anger issues, you’re disaster waiting to explode.

Are you really ready for marriage? Are you an old boy or a man? Are you an old girl or a lady? Are you matured? Are you emotionally stable?

Watch out for batch 2 of this article. Chew on these points and equip yourself with knowledge that will give you a healthy and balanced mindset as regards marriage. You want to get into marriage and not have to experience shocks

Have a great day and a great year!

2011. What a year! I made a commitment at the beginning of the year that i would write many more articles and post weekly; alas, i failed you! I got distracted by several things. I started writing articles several times and never got around to finishing them. I’m sorry. I am taking this time, barely one and half hours into the new year to share something with my readers; i know it will help some people put into perspective, a major subject like going into marriage in the new year.

Over a week ago, i was in an event where a young lady was asked what she wanted in a guy she would get married to. Amongst other things, she said she wanted an affluent guy. I had blurted out before i caught myself. I said my hubby now was everything but rich.

After the event, i looked back at where i was coming from. When i was in school, i had a group of friends and most of us were in serious relationships in our penultimate to final year.  I constantly felt odd then because i was the only one who was in a serious relationship with a “fellow student”.  He was certainly not from a comfortable home but always thought big and took risks. He was driven. By the time he was out of University, he had done several businesses. Infact, i remember then being given money as a gift by my parents to buy a car on graduation, he persuaded me that we could do business with it and not buy a liability. I believed him, and we went ahead; even though am not sure if the business went well. We sure had some others that went well. My parents constantly asked about the car they gave me money for, i told them it wasn’t enough to buy the car i wanted and i had invested it. My sisters cruised around with their cars.

Today, i look back and wonder what would’ve happened if i threw him away because he was not yet stable or ready. Some of the rich guys my colleagues dated then had some really rough times in business, and lost a lot of money, some of their businesses crashed, one or two were implicated at work and lost their jobs. That was a reality check for me. Some of those guys are just finding their feet after several years. In my relationship, we have been through several phases, but we never started big, grown together, i have learnt to abase and abound. I can survive under any condition; and God has favoured me and us.

Please get me right. I’m not saying jump on any guy purely based on hope simply because your goal says 2012 is your marital year. If the guy hanging around you is lazy or laid back, run! If hoping is the only thing he’s doing, run from him as well. Some ladies are in relationships for years and the guy has not been able to give anything to the lady, nothing at all; run o! If things don’t change, howbeit gradually for the guy in years, waka! Else, you’ll need to be prepared to fend for him all through your married life. Things must not always be one sided. If the guy has friends whose lifestyles or dreams are not motivating, run!

I sincerely pray for the best for you in 2012, and encourage you to get counsel when you’re confused. Every human being has the power of choice. Choose wisely; understanding that we can’t afford to judge a person by the present alone; certain attributes and association will tell you the person who is going somewhere. Is he rich today? Was that the main attraction? It may not always be so for him; can you stay with him if things change for bad? Can he bounce back legitimately if things go bad?  Think deeply, then act.

See more of me in 2012!

I was once in a couples’ meeting and it was question time. A lady who was there with her husband got up to ask a question. She complained bitterly about how the husband went everywhere with his phone, including the toilet! She said he slept with the phone under the pillow and never lost sight of it. She said she was almost sure that the husband was not cheating on her but was curious to know what the obsession was with the phone. She went ahead though, to say she had gotten hold of the phone at some point and read it, and discovered that the husband had loaned someone some money without informing her. She had apparently nagged about the issue a dozen times, little wonder she came to talk about it in a large meeting!

I believe that women take a lot of things that we want to scream about; but with a lot of patience, we can handle things better. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened when they got back home after the couples’ meeting…..chai!

Trust is earned; but we need to give it. We need to hold ourselves from being reactive to issues, even when we feel justified and right. We need to communicate our fears to our husbands in a non threatening way, they’re not monsters. We also need to tell them everything, without holding back, believing that one day, they’ll find it “safe” to share freely. It’s a lot of work.

Nagging is irritating, trust me, you don’t want to be on the giving end. You just might shut out your man from giving without holding back. Have you ever left a note carelessly around where he can see it? And in the note you have things you admire about him, even the ones that are yet to become his reality? Having a great marriage is a test of creativity with a good balance of patience and tact.

Perhaps, you want to give practical ideas on how best she should’ve handled her husband’s phone obsession? Let’s hear it….

Have a great week!

In the past one decade at least, things have advanced generally, fashion has become more important as various things, including getting a job and retaining it as well as access to places where business deals can be closed are linked to one’s appearance. Phones, cars and laptops have become more shapely and attractive; and this has affected the taste of guys when it comes to their choice in relationships.

Many guys who were deprived growing up are on the lookout for ladies who’ve got taste, as against a woman who is particular about her roles as a wife and mother in the home. I remember an instance of a guy who grew up in a poor home. He was fortunate as he grew up to associate with people who motivated and helped him grow in every way; his pocket and taste also grew. Around that time, he was in a relationship with a lady who the average guy will love to have; she had good character, a good job, and was a good cook! She wasn’t particularly the type to initiate the need to go eat out or hang out or go to the movies and all. After a while, he dumped her, saying she was “too domesticated”.

He later met a ‘sophisticated’ lady who had a foreign background and met his new status and who he could ‘show off’; they had fun hanging out and tripping around. Shortly after they met, they got married. A few months down the line, they started having issues. He discovered she couldn’t cook at all and was too independent. In his words, he said she could not even boil rice well. He had to start eating out and now, they’re separated.

It’s too much work attempting to get married to someone whose background or lifestyle is too different from ours. Those relationships are called high maintenance relationships; and on the day one person gets tired or feels cheated that he/she is the only one making the compromises, things begin to fall apart. I know a few guys who, when I met who they intend to marry, felt sorry for the guys in advance. A younger friend toasted a lady who told him before hand that she cannot suffer at all and needed to have ACs in every part of the home including the kitchen and he still went ahead with her!

Another lady always insisted that her boyfriend needed to get her into chartered cabs all the time; she also kicked against his getting a line that would help them talk for free, and that if he loved her, he would spend on her, no matter the amount. Another lady who demanded a 42” Plasma TV told the guy she wanted either that or nothing! I noticed that most guys seem to lack the capacity to see these pointers and go headlong, only to start having issues after.

Guys, before you go ahead with that lady, please pause and think. Some women insist on going on vacation even when the family is working on projects; they want the latest phones or jewelry or whatever; and the men work all their lives to satisfy them and to avoid nagging. Guys, before you go ahead with that relationship, engage the thoughts of an older, respected, woman. Stop looking for fantasy ladies; you can make your virtuous lady as fashionable and sexy as you want her to be after marriage. Look before you leap!

Have you noticed that when a young girl, mostly a teenager starts having regular sex, her behaviour changes? Since someone she looked up to came as low as exposing what he will never show outside and sleeping with her, her perspective towards men generally changes. I’ve spoken with a number of them and i discovered that they have little or no respect for most men. That’s why some ladies will see their lecturers the same way they see their Uncles that defiled them.

Sex is amazing and beautiful….what is different is the after effect of it, the consequences and guilt that cannot be erased when it’s carried out outside marriage. Sex introduces a powerful dimension to every relationship in that it exposes a woman to her husband’s most vulnerable state and vice versa. Unless you value and respect the person who your partner is, having “seen him finish”, the intimacy overtime can create an unhealthy familiarity if not well managed, especially by the woman. I once heard two married women making fun of their husbands’ behaviour during sex, they compared notes and had a good laugh; i simply wondered how that discussion would not affect their perception of their husbands. I guess that’s why a lot of men say their wives no longer respect them especially for those who never started out that way.

Men, your wife has the capacity to make or ruin you. If you’re going out with that lady now and you’re head over heels in love with her but she doesn’t believe in or respect you much, in a few years, you’ll be on a fast lane downhill. Why? She has seen you at your weakest. Also, as a man, you will make a few errors before you record success; and if she’s always there, ready to say i told you, be sure that your self esteem and eventual success are unlikely to amount to much.

By God’s design, a man is the head of the home, no matter the kind of man he is. Every man simply has the power to choose with whom to build the home. If you think that time is running out and want to manage a man who you can’t follow his leadership (in career, raising children, business, spiritually, etc); you’ll soon outgrow him and become trapped, angry and irritable in an unhappy marriage; you’ll be amazed at how much havoc all that can cause; so i advise you to back out now!

If you’re already stuck in a marriage with a man who you sincerely cannot follow or take any advise from, do your best to help him improve his self esteem. He’s the head anyway, and disrespecting him is rebellion against God, so you need creative ways to get him to align with your point of view as if it originated from him. You deserve to be happy, and it will be better if you are with your spouse. I wish you all the best!

I’ve met a number of couples who started their marriages with all the love in the world. They had big dreams and plans to make them happen. Impossible was nothing; everything was in place in their home and the future looked picture perfect.But along the line, each party had to make defining decisions; career change decisions, entrepreneural/business decisions, etc. Those decisions then turned out to cost more than was bargained for because they were not done properly at all. Let’s take a look at a particular scenario.

Couple X started their marriage with both of them in the corporate world – good jobs and a very promising career path; until the husband decided to fire his boss. He believed he was better of being his own boss, having his own thing, having control of time and so on. Shortly after his decision, he submits his resignation letter and it was only afterwards that he decided to “inform” his wife about his decision!The wife felt hurt and betrayed and did not hide how she felt. But he only viewed her as an enemy of progress. He withdrew to himself and threw himself into his business. He worked long and hard. He never spoke in detail to her about his business, had business meetings without her presence within the vicinity. He virtually shut her out. Today, which is about 2years after he resigned his job and started business, he has almost nothing to show for it; the business is not doing well and he’s almost always broke. Today, his wife mocks him and makes derogatory statements about him. She has lost every sense of respect for him. Today, they don’t do most things together because the wife doesn’t feel a “part of him and his life”. She has grown so independent within the marriage as well that she’s planning a vacation by herself, for herself, without his knowledge!

This type of action by the man gets one thinking of possibilities of ways the man thinks. Is it that he doesn’t value the wife or he wants to be, and stay independent within his marriage? Could he have avoided all these ripple effects of his actions or are they fall outs of a fundamental personal problem? Do i sense some insecurity, some esteem problem?

Some guys that read this might say he went too far by hiding such important information from his wife until after the act. But i guess these things have a way of starting small until things get aggravated.Let’s have your thoughts people, especially suggestions on how things can get back to where, or maybe close to how they were when their love first begun.

It’s interesting how overtime, things our parents used to do or believe in seem outdated and out of fashion now. Their ideas seem archaic and ‘funny’. However, you would agree with me that certain values and principles they hold so dear still remain valuable and timeless. After i had an interesting experience with someone close to my parents’ age, i decided to share it with my readers and let me know where her ideas fall in the light of my thoughts.

I and a younger friend who got married not too long ago and is now expecting a baby were in the company of an older woman, known to both of us, recently. We got talking and she gave my friend some ‘advice’. In the course of the gist, a few things she said struck me and i thought to share it with you.

Over the years, she had developed some beliefs which she felt strongly about, understandably of course. The first one was that she told my friend to ensure that after childbirth, she breastfeeds for just 2-3months only. She told her not to follow the general idea of exclusive breastfeeding and then weaning the child after one year. Her reason? Breastfeeding shrinks the breasts badly. She went on to give her own personal experience about how she had almost ‘nothing left’ of her breast after she weaned her first born; and how she breastfed the second child for less than 3months and how that helped her retain what she has left at the moment. I wanted to respond to what she said with my own experience but she insisted she knew more than i did and that she’s over 50.

Now, to lesson no 2. She advised my friend to ensure that she moves out of the bedroom she currently shares with her husband. Her reason: staying together in the same room creates unnecessary familiarity which will not make her husband value her as he should. But when she stays in a separate room, and only comes to her husband’s room for the purpose of sex, there’ll be better value for each other.

I will state briefly, my perspectives as a result of knowledge and experience about the two points raised, but i’ll like to have yours. By the way, this woman is the wife of the Pastor of the largest church in a particular state. She told me she had written about these and several other points in a soon to be published and launched book. I shivered as i thought through the possible content of the book. I thought about the hundreds and thousands of marriages and homes that are hinged on all that kind of information and how they might be coping.

My advice to newly married people? The first is that not all couples that smile and appear fantastic have a good, healthy marriage. Also, that a person is your church pastor doesn’t mean you should do everything you’re told to do by him or her. Of course, my friend knew better and we talked about it and laughed over it after i had established that she was not carried away by the unsolicited advice.

Over to you people! Guys, would you prefer your wife slept in a different room and only came over to yours only when it’s copulation time? For the experienced mothers, does breastfeeding dry up the mammary glands? Let’s have your thoughts, so we can have more wholesome information and lessons going out to our married couples to be.

Several years ago, i had a chat with an elderly woman who i respect so much; she was already a grandmother then. I was close to getting married then and we just got talking about marriage. Along the line, she delved into roles of each partner in the marriage. The first statement she made shocked and got me defensive. She said, “men can become spoilt when indulged; whatever you won’t take a decade into your marriage, don’t take when you’re newly married. Her context in this case was as regards roles of each spouse.

She recounted a few decades ago when she got married. She was doing better than her husband because she was very industrious. She had a job but had her hands in several businesses, so she had more than one income stream. Her husband had a job but was also schooling; so he focused on funding his education while she had to take up the upkeep of the home. Children started coming in and she still took responsibility for most things in the home. By the time he finished from school, and with two children, he had gotten used to not taking responsibility in the home and she had gotten used to sorting out every need in the home; afterall, her businesses were expanding.

Let me surprise you that she only started complaining about this after over 20years of marriage. I think she suddenly discovered that she had spent a good part of her life working extremely hard for everyone else expect herself and she felt spent and tired. Accoring to her, he did a few things, but it was always after he was asked to. Actually, she had tried much earlier to make him start taking care of things within the house, but she eventually got it done as most times as didn’t want to ask and “wait on a man endlessly”.

Now, it’s over 30years of marriage, and he’s been working on changing, but because he had become “spoilt”, it was extremely difficult making a switch in roles (moreso, at that time, all their children had finished schooling and they didn’t have so many needs as a family); she says he’s much better now though, but if she could turn back the hands of time, they would’ve had the role sharing clearly back then, and the full responsibility she was taking for the family then would’ve been temporary and with a defined time frame.

Please don’t be quick to castigate either the man or the woman. Love sometimes makes one feel you shouldn’t bother your “struggling” partner. But the time comes when one gets spent and exhausted especially when it gets prolonged. Whatever one does not address quickly gains strength until it becomes extremely difficult to change. So please, for the love to last and keep growing, let the roles be clearly shared from the beginning.

When a man doesn’t take responsibility for his home (no matter how broke he is), he’s cutting down his leadership status in the home, he’s reducing the positive, productive pressure that makes him earn the title’ “head of the home”, he’s cutting short the flow of ideas, initiatives and energies that will make the flow of resources come his way. No man that is laid back can truly head his home. You don’t want to earn your wife’s bitterness or ill-feeling over the years. Place heavy demands on yourself. Have an amount of money you drop for family upkeep monthly, then increase it as your income grows. Take responsibility for your family. Let your wife and children look back and say you went very far for their sakes.

I’ll advise all those preparing to get married; as you prepare for the wedding, plan for the marriage. Let the sense of responsibility be in each partner from the beginning. Assumptions and taking things for granted can be extremely costly. Don’t give too many excuses and indulge your husband (in this context). If you indulge him, you’re destroying him. All the best!

The part two of the article that addresses inferiority complex in men has taken so long to come up. We’ll be taking a look at how it presents in a marriage relationship and how it can be handled, and possibly, resolved. Before then, let’s do a brief overview.

Inferiority is a feeling that is common to every individual. At some point in time, you may have felt inferior to a friend, a colleague, or even a sibling. While for you it may be a minor event that you may have overcome, there are some who develop a major inferiority complex. It is mainly a psychological condition that finds its roots in childhood and manifests itself into adulthood if not recognized at an earlier stage. Those who suffer from such a complex constantly belittle themselves, and are very sensitive. They could be so sensitive, that they may become paranoid, thinking that everyone is making fun of them, or thinks lowly of them.

People with an inferiority complex may be outspoken, to an extent that is rude. This stems from the constant desire to prove to themselves or others that they too, are capable of doing all those things that the other is doing. Take an example of a man whose wife is clearly more successful and more influential than he is. Some men, can’t handle it, they would always find reasons to say that their wives do not respect them and are constantly on the lookout for ways to assert their authority in the home.

For someone to overcome this deep-seated condition called an inferiority complex is no easy task. The roots of this problem lie in the past, in an event or a series of events and situations that have left a deep scar on the affected individual’s mind. This complex has then become a type of defense mechanism against all kinds of problems and situations. For such a person to even accept that he may be suffering from an inferiority complex is extremely painful and difficult. An inferiority complex cannot be overcome overnight. It takes a good amount of time, for a person to regain his/her lost self esteem and self image, and to be able to ultimately see the world in a different light. However, the process has to start some time, for which some of these steps may be taken:

1) Positive Thinking: As easy as it sounds, being positive is something as challenging as climbing Mt. Everest for someone who has an inferiority complex. Someone who is conditioned to thinking poorly about himself is going to find everything about ‘positive thinking’ like rubbish. If he believes that life is very unfair to him, he will not even allow the effects of positive thinking to show. However, like a dose of injection is given at regular intervals for someone who is unwell, so is a regular dose of positive thinking required for someone who has an inferiority complex. Reading good books on positive thinking, or just being with people who are positive, as a step towards self improvement on a daily basis, can slowly bring about a difference. Also, on your part, highlighting the positive in every situation is important. Don’t do it explicitly, but there should be an undercurrent of positivity flowing all the time.

2) Acceptance: Overcoming an inferiority complex begins with acceptance of the situation as it is, and of the individual as he is. This however, does not mean that once the complex has been identified it should continue. The acceptance marks the beginning of evolving and change, that will slowly help eliminate the problem. Acceptance also involves accepting, on part of the sufferer of this complex, that he is unique. This again, may take a while but will ultimately be set in the mind and bring about a positive change.

3) Avoidance: Avoidance includes avoiding all those people who evoke a feeling of inferiority in the individual. This doesn’t mean avoiding those who are perceived threats, but those who constantly aim to put the individual down, or just have a natural tendency to do so. This should be followed at least until he has regained some self confidence and feels capable enough of dealing with such people.

Nothing holds true, more than the ‘easier said than done’ saying when it comes to overcoming all these inferiority complex symptoms. This is why, this article has been written for those of you who know someone suffering from an inferiority complex. A person who is suffering from an inferiority complex herself may find it extremely difficult to accept and face these symptoms, and ways of overcoming them. On the other hand, you as a loved one can slowly bring about these changes in the individual, without stating the obvious.

Love and support are extremely essential when trying to overcome the inferiority complex, and once these measures are successfully implemented, there is no looking back. Once a woman has gotten married to a man with an inferiority complex, she needs to love and support him in creative ways to overcome it.

It’s interesting that after a long break, I’ll have to write on a topic that’s the flip side of my last article. What actually prompted the writing of this article is also very interesting. While i was in the university, i belonged to a clique of lovely focused ladies. We all met in school but had connecting points that brought us together….we were all in the same department and class and shared common values and principles. That made it easy for us to read and have discussions together, pray together and have loads of fun. Did i mention that we started out being 6 in number? After a while, we became eight. After graduation, everybody went their separate ways, career, marriage, etc. There was one of us who inspired me to write this article. She was the youngest, and arguably brightest among us. Everyone knew she was likely to go into research or academics and she never argued against it. But of course, things changed…this was 9yrs ago.

A few days ago, she buzzed me online from the UK where she’s doing a masters degree to ask me a “serious” question. Let me update you on what she did after school. After we graduated, she took up a job with a multinational company for about 4yrs after which she fired her boss and decided to have her own business. She did that for about another 3yrs and the business was doing well but she was tired. She wanted a change. A career switch, an opportunity to make a statement. Hence, the decision to go for a foreign masters in another field. Infact, she sold her naija business to make up the money. By the way, along the line, she got married and currently has 2 beautiful children who are back at home with her parents. Am guessing that she had gotten to a point in her masters where she questioned her decision; she probably might feel like dropping the course and going home to her children. Her question to me was simple, “Can a woman have it all? – A beautiful marriage, godly children, a healthy relationship with God, a great career, success in business….

I immediately understood how she must have felt before she buzzed me – possibly a feeling that she was missing something, or a nagging lack of satisfaction. She had left the people who mattered most to her, traveled thousands of miles to pursue a masters, and now mid way she’s wondering if her decision was the best one and if it was, and would be worth it.

Here’s another side of the coin. I go to my children’s school regularly to pick them, and many times i see mothers already waiting for their children in the car/pavilion. Some of those women look so tired and are just going through the daily routine. It looks like an unending “chore” and they seem to have lost their “personal lives”. Everything that grows and ultimately becomes the envy of everyone takes time and a conscious presence and working at it to be so – a mega business, a great marriage, exceptional kids, etc. Unfortunately, no matter our strong arguments and justification, we can hardly eat our cake and have it; hence, the need to prioritize and decide what’s most important to us. This will help us not feel too bad when the lower priorities don’t yield “great” results. Our priorities will of course, be based on our values.

By design, women are meant to be able to grow and nurture, babies and ideas inclusive. Hence, am not averse to women in business, career or politics, but, once they take a whole lot of our time while our marriages or children are young, we lose a vital part of those relationships.

I am naturally tempted to set my own priorities and share my thoughts on whether a woman can have it all. But i’ll like to have your sincere thoughts, especially today when the world is moving so fast that you’ll be shooting yourself in the foot if you’re not informed. Guys, i want your thoughts. Can a woman have it all?