The very thought of the genesis of this article brings some interesting memories to mind. Life in secondary school formed the crux of who i am today. I made some amazing relationships with people from all strata of society. Remarkable as well, was the fact that i developed a personal relationship with God when i was in JS 1. After that, i got heavily involved in fellowship and church activities. I was a full boarding house student, and functioned in several units in the school fellowship back then where i met several kinds of people, some of them were more carefree than others, who were a bit more rigid, some even got extreme. Just like expected in the fellowship, there was a lot of emphasis on putting our absolute trust and faith in God and not depend on our own understanding. Based on this teaching, there was a trend i noticed among the fellowship people in adherence to this teaching.

As far as academics was concerned, ardent fellowship brethren believed strongly that since they have the excellent mind and nature of God, it was impossible to fail. Some of them gave very little seriousness to their academics and performed way below their capabilities. I tried to balance things up, but it still affected me a bit as well. I came out with a good result, but i could have done better.

I went ahead to the University and discovered that it was slightly worse, because the average person had the freedom to do whatever he/she wanted to; no curfew by parents or guardians. So, people spent too much time in church/fellowship and even exceed necessary time there; some people functioned in several units and even boasted about it, quoting that when you get involved in God’s business, he will get involved in yours. Some eventually had an extra semester/session and that could have been avoided. This attitude carried on for a protracted period has made a number of Christians lazy…..mentally and in having no drive to work at something till it pulls through.

Many Christians are churned out of school and are totally unprepared for the market place. They’re out of touch with happenings in the corporate world as well as the business world, current affairs/politics, etc so they really have very little relevance in society. It’s worse when it’s guys that fall into this mould. It’s not funny when Christian guys have become mentally lazy and lack sufficient drive and will and staying power to ensure they succeed. That’s why some people see no need becoming christians; they are doing clearly better than most of them!

What i see missing is shifting responsibility to God instead of taking it. It’s very clear in the message translation of the bible which i’ve fallen in love with, that God expects man to take responsibility for everything he has created, but they, seeing God as sovereign and omnipotent, have believed that they need to make just a little effort and have maximum results. Guys, God is a hardworker. The earth we live in, and the quality of the entire creation confirms it; moreso, the quality of capacity he has put in mind to imagine a thing and make it happen. He is all powerful, but he has given man the opportunity to choose. He’s also a God of process; that’s why he created seed. The seed has the inbuilt capacity, in time, to become a forest with cultivation, weeding and nurturing. That’s the same way God expects us to function; to understand that there are no shortcuts or miracle breakthrough without a lot of hard work.

Many successful ladies, on discovering that their boyfriends are not taking their vocation/financial future opt out fast; and for ladies who feel their time is running out and so still go ahead with marriage, they eventually disrespect their husbands. I met an elderly woman who wanted to sell her almost 30year old business. She said anytime she had to travel out and left her husband to help manage the business, things always went down. He simply lacked the skills or discipline to make it work and she lamented that he was never interested in developing himself, i found it hard to ask her if he really does anything. Now, their children are in their twenties and she has worked all her life to keep the home up and doing. Now, she’s tired and wants to sell the business since all the children are out of school. I also noticed she doesn’t like talking about him….hmm

Ladies, please don’t marry a lazy guy; am not stating categorically that he must be rich. Money will however always flow in the direction of the person who offers value. Any guy who can’t be on his toes always will make you as a woman work so hard, and you’ll get tired with time.

Christian guys, don’t be lazy. Everything you need to succeed, you have. You simply need a lot of hardwork, not giving up, self belief, taking responsibility and leadership to be the man. Spend time to grow what you have. The supernatural is meant to give wings to the exceptional skills you have spent time and commitment to build. I once placed orders for some things from a business guy and he gave me a date for delivery. I had to call him twice for delivery. Up till now, he’s yet to deliver them. That was the second time that was going to happen. Afterwards, i heard someone say that he spends his weekdays in church prayer meetings; i wondered what he was looking for endlessly at prayer meetings when there was ready market for his products. Get your priorities right; God tells us clearly to mind our business; men will patronize us, not angels. I dare say even the church finds your presence more valuable when you’re financially independent and responsible

Have a workful and productive 2012!

Happy New Year! I’m sure many of you have written out your goals and have started working towards making them happen. I know some of us have “to get married by so so time” as one of such goals. Infact, some of the people with such goals have fixed dates “in faith” and don’t even have a partner yet!

Having said that, many people venture into marriage without being prepared. Don’t go into it simply because you have advanced in age or your friends are now daddies or mummies. Many people need clarity as to how to measure if indeed they’re ready for marriage. The major preparation towards marriage has to happen in the mind. When there’s understanding as to  what it entails, unrealistic expectations will fly out of the window and a person will act wisely.

Are you really ready for marriage? I’ll highlight clearly a few points that you can use to measure if you are ready for marriage or not. Be informed that the list is inexhaustible and we’ll look at more points in the course of the year:

1) If you believe strongly that you must always have the last say in an argument, you’re not ready for marriage.

2) If you don’t like anyone invading your space, you’re not ready.

3) If you’re a lady, and you don’t cook or don’t like to, your marriage is not likely to be easy or funny.

4) If you always say things exactly how they come to your mind not caring who is hurt, you’re headed for a rocky and ultimately likely to crash marriage.

5) If you believe that you’re who you are and no one can change that, you’re not ready.

6) If you think about others only when you’ve fully sorted yourself out, you’re not ready.

7) If you are so good at holding a grudge and you’ll only let go when you feel like, stay unmarried.

8 If you’re a man and you’re not engaged in ventures or a process in time that can financially take care of your immediate family and beyond, you need to give yourself a few more years to be ready.

9) If you believe that women at best should be good in bed and kitchen affairs only, you’ll end up having a bitter and subdued wife; stay away.

10) If your mind can’t conceive the thought of having a more successful wife, even if it’s temporary, then you have a little growing up to do. Welcome to the real world, stuff happens.

11) If as a man, you’re easily swayed and pressurized to do things against your wish, you’re not ready for marriage.

12) If you have no confidence in your capability and your future, you have no business taking someone else with you.

13) If as a man, you don’t have a mentor or leader you follow, listen or defer to, you’re not going to be able to lead your family.

14) If you can’t have a wedding ceremony within a budget you can personally afford, give yourself more time. Who says you can’t have 20 guests or less at your wedding? Cut your coat according to your cloth and take responsibility. As a man, you can define how small or large you want your wedding ceremony to be and be able to handle it.

15) If you have an anger problem such that you can destroy things when you’re angry, get a therapist to help you through managing it. Otherwise, engage God’s help for the change you seek. With anger issues, you’re disaster waiting to explode.

Are you really ready for marriage? Are you an old boy or a man? Are you an old girl or a lady? Are you matured? Are you emotionally stable?

Watch out for batch 2 of this article. Chew on these points and equip yourself with knowledge that will give you a healthy and balanced mindset as regards marriage. You want to get into marriage and not have to experience shocks

Have a great day and a great year!

2011. What a year! I made a commitment at the beginning of the year that i would write many more articles and post weekly; alas, i failed you! I got distracted by several things. I started writing articles several times and never got around to finishing them. I’m sorry. I am taking this time, barely one and half hours into the new year to share something with my readers; i know it will help some people put into perspective, a major subject like going into marriage in the new year.

Over a week ago, i was in an event where a young lady was asked what she wanted in a guy she would get married to. Amongst other things, she said she wanted an affluent guy. I had blurted out before i caught myself. I said my hubby now was everything but rich.

After the event, i looked back at where i was coming from. When i was in school, i had a group of friends and most of us were in serious relationships in our penultimate to final year.  I constantly felt odd then because i was the only one who was in a serious relationship with a “fellow student”.  He was certainly not from a comfortable home but always thought big and took risks. He was driven. By the time he was out of University, he had done several businesses. Infact, i remember then being given money as a gift by my parents to buy a car on graduation, he persuaded me that we could do business with it and not buy a liability. I believed him, and we went ahead; even though am not sure if the business went well. We sure had some others that went well. My parents constantly asked about the car they gave me money for, i told them it wasn’t enough to buy the car i wanted and i had invested it. My sisters cruised around with their cars.

Today, i look back and wonder what would’ve happened if i threw him away because he was not yet stable or ready. Some of the rich guys my colleagues dated then had some really rough times in business, and lost a lot of money, some of their businesses crashed, one or two were implicated at work and lost their jobs. That was a reality check for me. Some of those guys are just finding their feet after several years. In my relationship, we have been through several phases, but we never started big, grown together, i have learnt to abase and abound. I can survive under any condition; and God has favoured me and us.

Please get me right. I’m not saying jump on any guy purely based on hope simply because your goal says 2012 is your marital year. If the guy hanging around you is lazy or laid back, run! If hoping is the only thing he’s doing, run from him as well. Some ladies are in relationships for years and the guy has not been able to give anything to the lady, nothing at all; run o! If things don’t change, howbeit gradually for the guy in years, waka! Else, you’ll need to be prepared to fend for him all through your married life. Things must not always be one sided. If the guy has friends whose lifestyles or dreams are not motivating, run!

I sincerely pray for the best for you in 2012, and encourage you to get counsel when you’re confused. Every human being has the power of choice. Choose wisely; understanding that we can’t afford to judge a person by the present alone; certain attributes and association will tell you the person who is going somewhere. Is he rich today? Was that the main attraction? It may not always be so for him; can you stay with him if things change for bad? Can he bounce back legitimately if things go bad?  Think deeply, then act.

See more of me in 2012!

I was once in a couples’ meeting and it was question time. A lady who was there with her husband got up to ask a question. She complained bitterly about how the husband went everywhere with his phone, including the toilet! She said he slept with the phone under the pillow and never lost sight of it. She said she was almost sure that the husband was not cheating on her but was curious to know what the obsession was with the phone. She went ahead though, to say she had gotten hold of the phone at some point and read it, and discovered that the husband had loaned someone some money without informing her. She had apparently nagged about the issue a dozen times, little wonder she came to talk about it in a large meeting!

I believe that women take a lot of things that we want to scream about; but with a lot of patience, we can handle things better. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened when they got back home after the couples’ meeting…..chai!

Trust is earned; but we need to give it. We need to hold ourselves from being reactive to issues, even when we feel justified and right. We need to communicate our fears to our husbands in a non threatening way, they’re not monsters. We also need to tell them everything, without holding back, believing that one day, they’ll find it “safe” to share freely. It’s a lot of work.

Nagging is irritating, trust me, you don’t want to be on the giving end. You just might shut out your man from giving without holding back. Have you ever left a note carelessly around where he can see it? And in the note you have things you admire about him, even the ones that are yet to become his reality? Having a great marriage is a test of creativity with a good balance of patience and tact.

Perhaps, you want to give practical ideas on how best she should’ve handled her husband’s phone obsession? Let’s hear it….

Have a great week!

In the past one decade at least, things have advanced generally, fashion has become more important as various things, including getting a job and retaining it as well as access to places where business deals can be closed are linked to one’s appearance. Phones, cars and laptops have become more shapely and attractive; and this has affected the taste of guys when it comes to their choice in relationships.

Many guys who were deprived growing up are on the lookout for ladies who’ve got taste, as against a woman who is particular about her roles as a wife and mother in the home. I remember an instance of a guy who grew up in a poor home. He was fortunate as he grew up to associate with people who motivated and helped him grow in every way; his pocket and taste also grew. Around that time, he was in a relationship with a lady who the average guy will love to have; she had good character, a good job, and was a good cook! She wasn’t particularly the type to initiate the need to go eat out or hang out or go to the movies and all. After a while, he dumped her, saying she was “too domesticated”.

He later met a ‘sophisticated’ lady who had a foreign background and met his new status and who he could ‘show off’; they had fun hanging out and tripping around. Shortly after they met, they got married. A few months down the line, they started having issues. He discovered she couldn’t cook at all and was too independent. In his words, he said she could not even boil rice well. He had to start eating out and now, they’re separated.

It’s too much work attempting to get married to someone whose background or lifestyle is too different from ours. Those relationships are called high maintenance relationships; and on the day one person gets tired or feels cheated that he/she is the only one making the compromises, things begin to fall apart. I know a few guys who, when I met who they intend to marry, felt sorry for the guys in advance. A younger friend toasted a lady who told him before hand that she cannot suffer at all and needed to have ACs in every part of the home including the kitchen and he still went ahead with her!

Another lady always insisted that her boyfriend needed to get her into chartered cabs all the time; she also kicked against his getting a line that would help them talk for free, and that if he loved her, he would spend on her, no matter the amount. Another lady who demanded a 42” Plasma TV told the guy she wanted either that or nothing! I noticed that most guys seem to lack the capacity to see these pointers and go headlong, only to start having issues after.

Guys, before you go ahead with that lady, please pause and think. Some women insist on going on vacation even when the family is working on projects; they want the latest phones or jewelry or whatever; and the men work all their lives to satisfy them and to avoid nagging. Guys, before you go ahead with that relationship, engage the thoughts of an older, respected, woman. Stop looking for fantasy ladies; you can make your virtuous lady as fashionable and sexy as you want her to be after marriage. Look before you leap!

Several years ago, i had a chat with an elderly woman who i respect so much; she was already a grandmother then. I was close to getting married then and we just got talking about marriage. Along the line, she delved into roles of each partner in the marriage. The first statement she made shocked and got me defensive. She said, “men can become spoilt when indulged; whatever you won’t take a decade into your marriage, don’t take when you’re newly married. Her context in this case was as regards roles of each spouse.

She recounted a few decades ago when she got married. She was doing better than her husband because she was very industrious. She had a job but had her hands in several businesses, so she had more than one income stream. Her husband had a job but was also schooling; so he focused on funding his education while she had to take up the upkeep of the home. Children started coming in and she still took responsibility for most things in the home. By the time he finished from school, and with two children, he had gotten used to not taking responsibility in the home and she had gotten used to sorting out every need in the home; afterall, her businesses were expanding.

Let me surprise you that she only started complaining about this after over 20years of marriage. I think she suddenly discovered that she had spent a good part of her life working extremely hard for everyone else expect herself and she felt spent and tired. Accoring to her, he did a few things, but it was always after he was asked to. Actually, she had tried much earlier to make him start taking care of things within the house, but she eventually got it done as most times as didn’t want to ask and “wait on a man endlessly”.

Now, it’s over 30years of marriage, and he’s been working on changing, but because he had become “spoilt”, it was extremely difficult making a switch in roles (moreso, at that time, all their children had finished schooling and they didn’t have so many needs as a family); she says he’s much better now though, but if she could turn back the hands of time, they would’ve had the role sharing clearly back then, and the full responsibility she was taking for the family then would’ve been temporary and with a defined time frame.

Please don’t be quick to castigate either the man or the woman. Love sometimes makes one feel you shouldn’t bother your “struggling” partner. But the time comes when one gets spent and exhausted especially when it gets prolonged. Whatever one does not address quickly gains strength until it becomes extremely difficult to change. So please, for the love to last and keep growing, let the roles be clearly shared from the beginning.

When a man doesn’t take responsibility for his home (no matter how broke he is), he’s cutting down his leadership status in the home, he’s reducing the positive, productive pressure that makes him earn the title’ “head of the home”, he’s cutting short the flow of ideas, initiatives and energies that will make the flow of resources come his way. No man that is laid back can truly head his home. You don’t want to earn your wife’s bitterness or ill-feeling over the years. Place heavy demands on yourself. Have an amount of money you drop for family upkeep monthly, then increase it as your income grows. Take responsibility for your family. Let your wife and children look back and say you went very far for their sakes.

I’ll advise all those preparing to get married; as you prepare for the wedding, plan for the marriage. Let the sense of responsibility be in each partner from the beginning. Assumptions and taking things for granted can be extremely costly. Don’t give too many excuses and indulge your husband (in this context). If you indulge him, you’re destroying him. All the best!

“The greater the feeling of inferiority that has been experienced, the more powerful is the urge to conquest and the more violent the emotional agitation”. Alfred Adler

Men, ever since they are boys are usually told by the people that surround them: fathers, mothers, uncles, etc that boys don’t cry, boys are meant to be tough, boys shouldn’t display any sign of emotion, boys are men and should always be in charge….all these and many more i have heard about. It sure goes without saying that not all of them turn out to be “tough” or “in charge”. What we turn out to be is as a result of the circumstances we have faced, environment and other factors over the years. Some guys while growing up were abused physically and emotionally possibly because they lagged behind academically or socially and so they grow up with an unhealthy self esteem; what some people call an inferiority complex.

An inferiority complex is a strong feeling that you are not as good, important, or intelligent as other people. Some other words to describe this sense of inferiority complex: Not confident or shy and easily embarrassed; shy, uncertain, retiring, insecure, timid, inhibited, tentative, lost, unsure of yourself, ill at ease.

Earlier today, i had a counselling session with a lady who is in a relationship with a guy who has an inferiority complex, she didn’t know what the root of the problem was, she just discovered that they were having issues repeatedly. That session inspired the writing of this article. When you hear of men who beat up their wives, who repeatedly tell them that they’re the head of the house, that they wear the pants, all these are expressions of an inferiority complex.

Please note that not only men have inferiority complex, infact, women have it more. Today is for the guys. There are a number of ways to know if you have an inferiority complex. I’ll list a few of the symptoms:

1) A person with a low self esteem is overly pessimistic and/or critical.

In order to protect their own feelings, a person with low self-esteem often takes out their inner feelings on others. They become extremely critical, especially of those closest to them. They are often pessimistic, and can rarely see the positive in any situation, let alone hope for the best.

2) Love to Hear Compliments

A person with an inferiority complex always want others to be complimented for even the smallest of the achievements like how you look, how you worked on that article, what you have or what great work you have done. He is usually so desperate to hear that even if you do not get any comments, you start pouring in questions in order to receive compliments (more like fishing for comments), such as “Do you think I did great?” or “Do I look good tonight?”

3) Blaming others

Any mistake or failure committed on this person’s part is simply put on various external factors, such as poor luck, bad company, the environment in general, and so on. If you are not able to accept your mistake and instead, you hold the universe responsible for it, you are definitely suffering from inferiority complex.

4) Lack of Sportsmanship

Competitions where such a person is required to test his abilities against the others are always kept at bay. If he/she loses competitions, he feels he’s not good enough to compete with anyone. Hence, he does not take any step towards achieving success. On rare occasions, when he takes that step, chances are that he discourages himself saying that he can never achieve it even in his wildest dreams.

5) Finding Faults

This is a mindset for people with an inferiority complex. Since he cannot keep himself happy, he cannot accept others feeling happy as well. As such, he is constantly finding ways to point out other’s imperfections and making them feel bad about themselves. This is known as crab mentality, where we pull others down as well. In case you are one of such people, know for sure that you can never feel confident and superior, unless you stop competing with others, in this case, your wife, or wife to be.

A guy with all these symptoms and more after a while of being married; if he seems to be losing ground and needs to assert his authority will move to wife battery….beating her to submission. If you’re a guy that finished from a Polytechnic or didn’t even have a tertiary education at all and you feel threatened by a lady who did, it’s either you step up or pick a lady that won’t be a threat to you. A healthy self esteem is about being comfortable with who you are and where you’re going.

I’ll stop this here. In the Part 2 of this article, i’ll write on how this inferiority complex causes issues in marriage and how it can be overcome or minimized. Till then, have an amazing time this season!

It’s interesting that after a long break, I’ll have to write on a topic that’s the flip side of my last article. What actually prompted the writing of this article is also very interesting. While i was in the university, i belonged to a clique of lovely focused ladies. We all met in school but had connecting points that brought us together….we were all in the same department and class and shared common values and principles. That made it easy for us to read and have discussions together, pray together and have loads of fun. Did i mention that we started out being 6 in number? After a while, we became eight. After graduation, everybody went their separate ways, career, marriage, etc. There was one of us who inspired me to write this article. She was the youngest, and arguably brightest among us. Everyone knew she was likely to go into research or academics and she never argued against it. But of course, things changed…this was 9yrs ago.

A few days ago, she buzzed me online from the UK where she’s doing a masters degree to ask me a “serious” question. Let me update you on what she did after school. After we graduated, she took up a job with a multinational company for about 4yrs after which she fired her boss and decided to have her own business. She did that for about another 3yrs and the business was doing well but she was tired. She wanted a change. A career switch, an opportunity to make a statement. Hence, the decision to go for a foreign masters in another field. Infact, she sold her naija business to make up the money. By the way, along the line, she got married and currently has 2 beautiful children who are back at home with her parents. Am guessing that she had gotten to a point in her masters where she questioned her decision; she probably might feel like dropping the course and going home to her children. Her question to me was simple, “Can a woman have it all? – A beautiful marriage, godly children, a healthy relationship with God, a great career, success in business….

I immediately understood how she must have felt before she buzzed me – possibly a feeling that she was missing something, or a nagging lack of satisfaction. She had left the people who mattered most to her, traveled thousands of miles to pursue a masters, and now mid way she’s wondering if her decision was the best one and if it was, and would be worth it.

Here’s another side of the coin. I go to my children’s school regularly to pick them, and many times i see mothers already waiting for their children in the car/pavilion. Some of those women look so tired and are just going through the daily routine. It looks like an unending “chore” and they seem to have lost their “personal lives”. Everything that grows and ultimately becomes the envy of everyone takes time and a conscious presence and working at it to be so – a mega business, a great marriage, exceptional kids, etc. Unfortunately, no matter our strong arguments and justification, we can hardly eat our cake and have it; hence, the need to prioritize and decide what’s most important to us. This will help us not feel too bad when the lower priorities don’t yield “great” results. Our priorities will of course, be based on our values.

By design, women are meant to be able to grow and nurture, babies and ideas inclusive. Hence, am not averse to women in business, career or politics, but, once they take a whole lot of our time while our marriages or children are young, we lose a vital part of those relationships.

I am naturally tempted to set my own priorities and share my thoughts on whether a woman can have it all. But i’ll like to have your sincere thoughts, especially today when the world is moving so fast that you’ll be shooting yourself in the foot if you’re not informed. Guys, i want your thoughts. Can a woman have it all?

Marriage is every lady’s dream. It’s the icing on the cake, especially when a lady spent the earlier years of her life looking forward to the day when she will own her own home, be a content and fulfilled wife and woman. The thrill is usually higher when the man is relatively settled – has a good job, a nice ride and apartment; the lady feels secure and with absolutely no worries on her mind.

Shortly after the wedding, all seems to be working well. While the man is away to work, she’s home putting things in order, doing some household item shopping, trying out some recipes in her new cookery book to impress her man, reads some magazines, watches TV and generally “lazes” around the house….

After several months, she gets pregnant and the bouts of morning sickness and bed rest become her main preoccupation until several months down the line when the baby lands. Then, phase II begins – sleepless nights and days….Then baby 2 comes and the cycle resumes again. Then, the woman takes a look at her life in the past 4/5years and asks herself what she has achieved. When faced with the brutality of the truth (NOTHING), depression sets in.

Why did i have to ramble through the first 3 paragraphs? Because, it’s a typical case. I have overtime constantly met with a good number of married women who have gone through these cycles and currently feel weak, unempowered, have no drive and passion or goals for the future. They seem to have lost their say and their personality in the name of being married. They have spent a good number of years, conceiving and raising children, but economically, they’re handicapped. Their minds seem to have lost the creativity and spontaneity it used to have. They can’t even handle the financial demands of their personal upkeep. The husband who leaves the house before daybreak and comes back late into the night is working hard to take care of every need in the house, including toothpick and tissue paper! Am sure many women are quick to defend their men and say that he insisted that they should not work, even before they got married. I could be wrong, but i believe that many of those men who tell their wives not to work might have meant well, but that action shows a complex, a mindset that can’t stand being in competition with their wife, a move to assert their position as head of their home; and of course, the woman is the object of that assertion. She loses grip until she feels weak and totally irrelevant.

I believe there is no excuse women can give for where they are. We need to dust ourselves up and become relevant. It’s not only for money that women need to be engaged and empowered. I’ve met wives of rich men who are bored and feel totally irrelevant. They need to have their self esteem back and be sure that they have value to give.

Woman, do you honestly feel that your marriage is a cage? Are you mentally/emotionally fatigued? Do you need to approach your husband for money for everything? Does your husband feel there’s no need for you to work at all or do you think he sees any little success you have as a threat? When last did you read a book, or attend a training on self development? Are you excited about life? In as much as I am a strong advocate for time freedom, i need us to invest our time wisely and be empowered and productive.

I am young; but i’ve seen enough cases to know that every man that projects his wife is better for it on the long run. I believe that if a man cannot develop his wife to become a better person, then it will be difficult to develop a successful team within an organization. Marriage is not meant to be an expression of the “masculinity” of the man, but among other things, an opportunity for him to make his wife a better person. Can you have a conversation on anything with your wife without fear of talking above her head? Are you growing together? Carry your wife along. Push her from her comfort zone. How she turns out says a lot about you and your ability to lead your home. Two are better than one, if the relationship is mutually beneficial.

Today marks 7 years that I walked down the aisle with my best friend and the love of my life. I did not have a very healthy self esteem; but today, i can boldly say that this union has made me a better, empowered person, who is in turn, empowering others. Today, I am bolder, more daring and jovial. I have enjoyed other healthy relationships and mentoring from reading and meeting people as well. I have had to leave my comfort zone. I still have a lot of things to work on but I’m a better person by reason of this union. My husband helped me bring out the diamond in the rough. He pushed me when I needed to be, and showered me with affection when necessary. I am free because that atmosphere was created from the start. I look forward to celebrating decades of this union, with every year giving more expression to the gifts inside of me, with my mentor, coach and no 1 fan, nudging me on, telling me I can do it!

]]> http://www.topeakinyemi.com/the-marriage-cage/feed/ 12 http://www.topeakinyemi.com/guyz-dont-make-up-to-break-up/ http://www.topeakinyemi.com/guyz-dont-make-up-to-break-up/#comments Fri, 24 Sep 2010 09:25:30 +0000 Tope http://www.topeakinyemi.com/?p=502

Hallos my people, i trust we had a good weekend. I got quite a number of responses about my last article especially from guys who thanked me for telling the ladies the bitter truth, some even quoted specific people in their offices, family, church, etc; so, just before the guys think they have it all together, today i’ll be descending on them!

Guys are a very interesting set of people. They’ve been taught to be tough, confident, almost always in control, logical and not emotional; and sure, they seem to pull it off when it comes to career, business, politics, soccer….but when it comes to matters pertaining to the female gender, you wonder at their thinking many times, as in, really wonder.

Despite the fact that men are so wired, we need to consider the fact that men come from different backgrounds and based on the peculiarity of each person’s background, they have certain things they believe they were deprived of or should’ve enjoyed more of, and the craving can be so much that they grab everything that has a semblance of it especially in the quest for a life partner. I’ll try and give a few examples.

I met a guy who is stuck in a marriage and finds it hard to get out. He suddenly discovers that he did not really love his wife. The first time he set eyes on her, she was in an evening gown and he was “waohed” and told himself he liked what he saw. Today, they’re married but he’s unhappy because he has seen that there were so many things he did not check for. He says he never loved her. We know that guys are moved by what they see, but can we call the same rational/logical faculties to action in such matters? There’s this scenario i’ve seen play out a number of times. Some guys, because while they growing up, never went clubbing or to parties, never drank and had female friends, tend to want to make a statement in their final choice. They want to go for a happening lady who’s been around, seen more and is more experienced in matters of life. It goes without saying that such guy is getting into a high maintenance relationship. He’ll just discover with time what he’s up against because he won’t be able to control her or manage her movements or demands. This guy has an inferiority complex and feels a strong need for societal acceptance.

I know a guy that considers having a relationship with every lady that gives him a lot of attention, either she tells him she likes his kind of person or compliments his strengths or skills. It’s not difficult to know that such a guy was starved of love while growing up. His past relationships have been purely based on the fact that the girls liked and respected him; he has never really had to chase after a lady, he simply went for the ones that liked him and showed it. There has to be a balance!

I met a guy who told me he had suffered too much in life for him to be that way for life. He was ready to do anything to marry a lady from a rich home. What he lacked, he looked for in a lady. Now, this is not absolutely wrong, but for reasons that are mundane and not value based, it’s not proper. A guy feels he’s not so good looking, and he goes for a model to make up for it. It sounds logical, but you need to listen to these guys verbalize what they want, you’ll understand that the motive is wrong and that’s their primary desire above others. And what’s the result of this? Because the guy is not choosing to marry the person he’s real with, things don’t go well.

It’s not wrong to fill what’s lacking or try and make up for what you think you need, but please, let it be a good mix of that and strong values that will affect our choice at the end of the day. There are women that are not your type, there are those that are your type. Go in the direction that flows naturally with you. Don’t go for a woman that will not put your heart at rest, and it doesn’t mean they’re bad, just too different from you. I’ve met a couple of young guys who saw some clear warning signals and still went ahead and eventually had to back out.

Having someone to bounce those thoughts and considerations off will help you as well. Get an older person that knows you and can advise you sincerely. In a multitude of counsel, there is safety. Have a great weekend!